Posts tagged with "life"
My low-self esteem is so bad that I asigned myself as a hufflepuff
My entire life is my awkward stage
To think that one day me and my friends are gonna have children… damn, we are gonna raise some assholes.
I’m bored. I have interesting things to say. If you don’t believe me, why don’t you find out? ;)
I have a pressure in my chest that no amount of sighs will help.
Ok, so I found this old photos in one of my many albums in Facebook and I thought I’d share this story. It was like two years ago that I was taking this buss to go home after the university. It was a normal day: crappy service, anti social people, pregnant young lady, old smelly people and so on. I was singing a long to my music when I see this old man in the middle of the street! He was literally in his electric wheelchair passing like he had run out of fucks to give, in the middle of the two lanes. So, the buss took a left turn where the old guy was crusin’ and he hit the old man. I felt the bump in my body. I thought the stupid driver saw the old man because HE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD! But he “didn’t”. The people started yelling: “Watch out!” “There is someone in the road!” “You are going to hit him” and then Wham! I was shocked! The old man was laying on the hot road in pain. Someone called the ambulance, they called another bus and we got in and drive away… not before I took this pictures :D
Sigh… I wanna cry so much right now but then I’ll feel like a brat who doesn’t get what she wants and I hate that feeling but I’m twenty and I still have to live my current condition. If I think about it now and say it, I’ll sound like a spoiled girl who wanted to go out with her friends but couldn’t. But if you see this way: Freedom, enjoy life then… it still sounds bratty. It’s complicated.
Now I’m in my bed, all alone trying not to cry because I’m in my third year in University and still can’t fully enjoy it. Now I have to stay with this responsibility on which I can’t cause trouble.
I feel like my friends don’t understand part of it. And I don’t blame then but they have their freedom and think since I don’t have the same quantity as them, I need to ‘fight’ for it. It’s not that simple. It’s not peer pressure or any bullshit like that (I know where I stand) but I’m afraid that when I’m older I’ll think about my past and regret it.
I just want to be with them outside the class room and have a drink and laugh about stupid jokes.
But who cares? They are having fun and probably won’t read this while I’m here, trapped.
Man… I don’t know how to express myself… :”(
Not secrets but dirty regrets…
Well his father is dead but still don’t know how to act around him. When I first saw him today we looked at each other in the eye. What did we exganged? Was it that the fact the he is gone doesn’t mean that all the bad memories are gone or… even though all the shit that happened I am still sorry for your lose. Or was it that we did something together, something that would put me to shame and and that no matter what we should keep out mouth shots? Yeah… I think that’s the one.
Now I am in the las chair on the last row and I can see everything… you reap what you sow? Too harsh? I do have to admit that I am still in shock. One day he was here and the next he is gone… am I acting like a hypocrite? I once said that I hated him and because of him I discover what true loath is but… I see him now in the casket and… well, it DOESN’T bring me a smile.
I just want to get out of here and sleep.
Funerals suck the energy out of me.
Today I am going to the funeral…
I know what to say but at the sometime I don’t. I really don’t want to go because I don’t feel so good and because I feel like… well, I really don’t want to go. But I will because of my mother. She has a lot of problems and the least I could do is support her. Now she is acting a little… bitchy? but I think it’s because of the shit that is happening.
I just want to go to bed and sleep. Maybe things would get better… who am I kidding… they won’t.
Death
Today when I was in the hospital getting checked for an illness I didn’t expect that my stepfather would die. October 26 of 2011 is the worst day of my mother. Not only did she had the bravery to leave my dad she had to feel the lose of a loved one, her lover.
I will make this clear. I make sound like a hypocrite but I don’t care. Here I go: I didn’t like the guy much. He was the one who created lots of bad memories for me, my sister and my mom. Day after day I hear them fight over stuff that in the end it didn’t matter. He was raised in a world where everything was the man and the woman second; something that I don’t believe and neither does my mother… but yet, she stayed.
Nights after night they threaten each other to leave and continue their lives… and yet they didn’t leave. I didn’t understood this at thirteen; it was always a pain to me and I really wanted to get out of that hell. I could have left with my dad but I stayed because I knew I was leaving my mom alone and I love her very much.
Now she is alone again. With no one to talk to. I wish I could be there for her but the distance between my school and her house is very far and I can only be there for her when I come on the weekends.
To me it was still a shock when I heard that he was dead. I still have a vivid memory of him screaming, laughing, kissing my mom, fighting with my sister, hitting his son, playing with his grandson, coming home sweaty from work, her sugar low’s moment (he had diabetes), when he critic my moms food, when he scold me because I didn’t do the dishes or any type of house work and the first time I met him.
This moment are the one that makes me want to live my life more but I don’t have the opportunities to do it. Why? Because I am a coward and all my life I have been opressed and made belive that the world is a scary place.
My declaration of war is still on and I don’t plan to changing it one bit. I just hope that mom moves one and realize that things happen for a reason.
I never thought this day would come.
